


Atlas

by spiderlillium



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Depression, Gen, Levi and Eren are in a platonic relationship okay just to be clear, Pre or Post-Chapter 71
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-17
Updated: 2015-07-17
Packaged: 2018-04-09 19:09:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4360886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spiderlillium/pseuds/spiderlillium
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eren is slowly drowning, and Levi offers help with a cup of tea.</p><p>|Pre or Post-Chapter 71|</p>
            </blockquote>





	Atlas

**Author's Note:**

> I feel so sorry for Eren, my dearest.

It does not go unnoticed – the bouts of silences and blank stares, bursts of motivation and lethargy, decreased appetite, the darkening circles around his eyes. Even the vigor in his voice has lessened quite considerably. Once upon a time, Eren Jaeger faced the world with the anger of his youth and with a wild heart he moved forward, all energy and will and _fire._ Looking at him now, Levi thought, there is only a shell, a puppet, and at it's core is wrath and bubbling vengeance.  
  
Depression is not an uncommon phase to have when one is a part of the Survey Corps. There's no running out of things to be sad about, especially after expeditions – but it is more complex, in Eren's case. His ability to accomplish tasks with his power to shift determines all – and Levi does not need to imagine how heavy that responsibility feels like on one's shoulders. After all, before all of this, _he_ was the Queen of Erwin's pieces. The success or failure of a mission rested greatly on the palms of his hands – one wrong move, and the butcher of his comrades will stain his hands forever.  
  
Still, there was hope for the boy. Eren is not without his friends. He has not lost the ones he holds closest to his heart yet, and, Levi noted, they are most supportive.  
  
Mikasa is the driving force to make her brother function like a proper human being. She nags at him constantly to eat better, to rest well, to take breaks. She does not fear to speak against Hanji's insistence, or to ask Erwin to lay off the titan-hardening experiments, even just a tad. In fact, Levi is sure, she does not fear anything at all, if it means it can assure Eren's well-being.  
  
Armin does his part equally well. He is the voice of reason in their trio, and often times, Levi spies the two of them together, simply quietly talking to one another. Even without overhearing them, Levi can sense that Armin is making an effort into bringing Eren's familiar force back – but words can only do so much. The intimacies come later – Armin is smart to do so – but as everyone can observe, even honest, gentle kisses does not budge the weight on Eren's heart.  
  
“It will pass.” That's all what Hanji says, when Levi asked her if she noticed how Eren is looking more like a dead corpse every day. It will pass. Levi wanted to scoff at her, but he _knew_ – the strain in her voice, the tightness of her expression. We do not have the luxury to care – that was the answer, and Levi felt like a hypocrite for asking because it was true. All eyes were on them. They could not afford to stop now, or the plan they had gambled on will collapse in on itself.  
  
That should have been it. It would pass – like it did for him, like it did for every other soldier that offered their heart to the cause. It would pass. But days burned by and Eren only looked worse than the last – it was like watching him die slowly, from the inside out.  
  
Levi was tired of watching, so he finally decided to do something – anything. If he had to beat the shit out of him again to bring the life back in his eyes, he would.  
  
But instead of an iron punch, he brought him tea instead.  
  
Black and mild, added with a bit of honey and goat's milk – this hot cup of tea was transported from Erwin's own room to Eren's private quarters by Levi's steady hands. The Commander, with all his paperwork splayed around him, arched an inquiring brow at him while he prepared it in his kitchenette. Levi took his tea without anything added, that, Erwin knew, so he responded simply with, “It's for Eren.” And Erwin only nodded, telling him that he had a bit of honey left in the cupboards and that he should add some in.  
  
The heat from the mug is starting to seep into the handle, so Levi decided that it was time to actually knock on the kid's door rather than just stand there by the doorway. Two rapt movements – that's all it took, and after a pause, there came Eren's voice, offering passage.  
  
Levi opened the door with his right hand, and found the boy on his bed, sitting up. In the dim of the room, he could see that Eren was in the process of resting, as his hair is a mess, his shirt wrinkled from lying down.  
  
“Captain,” Eren acknowledged with a bit of alarm, moving already to get out of bed. “What's the problem? Is there an emergency?”  
  
“If there was an emergency, do you think I'll bother to come to your room with a cup of tea? Look at me, I'm not even wearing my harnesses.” Levi wanted to roll his eyes, but remembered that he was not here to sass the life, or what's left of it, out of Eren. “Sit back down, child.”  
  
Eren seemed nonplussed by Levi's intentions, but obeyed nonetheless.  
  
Dragging a chair near the bed, Levi placed the cup of tea on Eren's bedside table, and sat. “Drink,” He ordered, motioning at the cup, and Eren obeyed again, in an almost mechanical soft of way.  
  
“It's sweet,” Eren remarked once he sipped the tea. “It tastes a bit different.”  
  
“There's honey in it,” Levi supplied, “And goat's milk. You can thank our Queen for the privilege you're drinking.”  
  
Eren stared at the cup for a moment. “I will. Thank you.”  
  
Levi didn't know whether to smack himself on the face or smack Eren on the head. “Did you leave your goddamned wits back in your hardened titan form?”  
  
Eren just looked at him simply, and glanced back down at the cup in his hands. He did not answer.  
  
Levi exhaled sharply. There's no use beating around the bush. “You look like you're living in a dead man's body.”  
  
“I feel just fine.” Eren answered, and took another sip of the sweet tea.  
  
“Don't tell me that bullshit.” Levi scoffed, hooking his leg over the other as he crossed his arms. “I know Hanji's been extra hard on you, but you've got plenty of time to recharge. You have your friends livin' and breathin' around you. Even Kirschtein's working double time to piss you off. But you don't do anything. You sleep, you talk, but you don't _live._ ”  
  
Eren finished the tea in three quick gulps despite the heat of it, and brought the mug back down to his lap. He licked his lips, and said, “I feel just fine.”  
  
“Did you even hear what I just said?” Levi let a lot of exasperation into his tone.  
  
Eren lifted his gaze from his cup and looked at his officer. “There's nothing to worry about, sir. I'm doing just fine, and I assure you I will be able to work tomorrow just fine. I'll do all the scheduled drills tomorrow with Squad Leader Hanji. It's going to be fine.”  
  
“You said 'fine' so many times I don't think I'll ever find 'fine' as a proper word anymore.”  
  
Eren let his eyes drop back down to his mug once again. “There's nothing to worry about. I'll do everything tomorrow as scheduled.”  
  
Levi narrowed his eyes at the boy and for a moment, wanting to strike that expression off his face. “ _Eren_.”  
  
“Yes, Captain?” was the response.  
  
“I know for a fact that you will indeed go by the schedule. You'll do all the exercises and more. And when the day is over you'll go into the mess hall and glower at your food until Mikasa forces you to eat and then, you go to bed. I know that, because I've been watching you, and that's all you do. Everyday. And frankly, it's fucking disturbing. It's unnatural.”  
  
“I'm doing what I can to be better.” Eren answered simply. “I don't see anything wrong with that.”  
  
“What's wrong about all of this is what you're _not_ doing.”  
  
Eren did not speak for a while. He just stared at the cup in his hands, his expression blank. Levi thought he was just wasting his time over something that will never come, but in a moment he heard Eren draw a breath and in another, he parted his lips.  
  
“Armin told me you made them choose.” He said, in a soft tone. “You made them choose between killing everyone who got in the way of saving Historia and I or letting us die in the hands of the king.”  
  
“They did what they had to do,” Levi replied just as softly. “And because of their choice, here you are – alive. That, and we have a new monarch to bow to.”  
  
“They did what they had to do.” Eren nodded, his eyes never leaving his empty cup.  
  
Levi's eyebrows furrowed at the tone of the brunet's voice. “Well, what were you expecting? There will always be blood to be shed, one way or another. Being in the Survey Corps isn't _just_ about killing titans anymore – you should know that by now.”  
  
“I know,” Eren nodded again, “I understand that. They did what they had to do.”  
  
“So what is your point?”  
  
Eren traced the lip of his mug slowly with his thumb, blue-green eyes pale under the moonlight flowing into his room. “They grew up.”  
  
“You all did.”  
  
For the first time that night, Levi saw the expression on Eren's face change.  
  
“I thought I was ahead of them.” There was a smile on his lips – thin traces of it, but it was there. “I thought, I could make a difference when I discovered I could turn into a titan. A big one. I thought finally – _finally_ , I can do _something_. Something worth more. But the truth is: I am left behind.  
  
“I can turn into a titan – sure. But take that away and look at what's left...” Eren stared at his free hand, pristine and void of self-inflicted bite marks from all his shifting attempts, “What's left is a fool.”  
  
“Stop it.” Levi snapped, having enough. “Stop it, Eren–”  
  
“Do you know what happened to me that day when Trost got attacked?” Eren was looking at him now, and the emotion in his eyes made Levi feel a sense of deja vu. “I went head first to save a friend of mine without precaution, despite knowing the entire area was crawling with titans. Five seconds in, a titan saw me and jumped up while I was in midair, and bit one of my legs off. I crashed into a roof, and started bleeding profusely. I began losing consciousness a few minutes in. I was _dying_. Then, I heard Armin scream. He was about to get eaten by a titan. At that moment, I thought – I can't just lie there and watch my friend die. So I leaped with the remaining strength I had and pulled him out of the titan's mouth.  
  
“But the titan ate me instead. In the process, one of my arms got bitten off as I was trying to escape – which is stupid, because I had hoped back then – _believed_ that we would be able to pull through this. I was right inside a titan's stinking mouth and I _actually_ believed that we were going to live.” Eren scoffed, shaking his head. “So do you see, Captain? I should have died that day in Trost, if I hadn't been a titan-shifter.  
  
“You can tell me all you like that it is a blessing that this power is mine to use but really, it does not matter. Without it, I am ordinary. So tomorrow, I'm going to go by the schedule and do every experiment Squad Leader Hanji wants me to do and then some. I'm going to push myself until I pass out – and when I wake up, I'll try again. Everyday. I'm not going to stop. Because around me, people are making a difference – and they _don't_ have the ability to turn into a titan.” Eren pursed his lips as if he was trying to hold back words, and exhaled sharply. “I'm going to do what I have to do, Captain.”  
  
Levi looked at him for a long while, his irritation from Eren's self-depreciation and being interrupted mid-sentence gone at the end of the other's speech. “Has it ever occurred to you,” He began, “That a lot of people would have died if you weren't your stupid, brash self?”  
  
“ If I wasn't myself, a lot of people would still be alive right now.” Eren shrugged, and placed the mug in his hand on the bedside table.  
  
Levi uncrossed his arms and took the cup from the table. He could still feel the warmth Eren left behind in the ceramic. “Imagine if it was another person who possessed that power. If it was Historia or Jean or Sasha.”  
  
“If it were another person in my place, Petra and the others would still be alive right now.”  
  
This time, it was Levi's turn to scoff. “If it was another person in your place, Armin and Mikasa would be dead. Maybe not Mikasa, but she'd wish she was.”  
  
Eren did have nothing to say to that, so Levi continued.  
  
“Everybody makes their own choices. All different from the other. If I had been a titan-shifter when I was your age, I would have eaten everybody and regurgitated everything on top of every nobleman's house just because as a titan, I can't shit on them.” Levi had the urge to run his hands against his face out of exasperation, but held back on it. “You can't beat yourself for relying too much on your power. You can't beat yourself for being who you are, for your will and thoughts, for the choices you've made. Haven't I told you before?”  
  
“You did,” Eren said, rueful. “And I learned.”  
  
“So you're slowly killing yourself?”  
  
“I'll live to see the end of this.” Eren was determined, but he was speaking through a dead man's lips. “I will do what I have to do.”  
  
Levi sighed, defeated. He griped the mug in his hand, and for a second he wanted to throw it at Eren's head. Perhaps the boy would wake up, then. “You better not look like a damned corpse tomorrow or else I'm gonna have someone inject you with a sedative and lock you into this room until you sleep the entire day.”  
  
“I'll rest enough tonight for tomorrow.” Eren replied automatically.  
  
Levi lingered for another moment, chewing at his inner cheek. “Who are you kidding? You've got dark circles under your eyes.”  
  
Eren did not answer immediately. “I'll sleep well tonight.”  
  
Levi did not believe that, not one bit. “Good night, then.”  
  
When Levi exited the room, mug in tow, he found Mikasa standing just beside the doorway, her back to the wall – ever a ghost haunting over her brother.  
  
Levi stared at her for a moment, and she stared right back, fearless and searching for ill intentions toward Eren. “He doesn't sleep much, does he?” He began, lowering his voice just so Eren wouldn't be able to hear him clear enough through the thin walls.  
  
Mikasa's eyes twitched so faintly Levi wouldn't have noticed if they weren't staring at each other so intensely. “He thinks a lot. And he gets nightmares when he does sleep.”  
  
“Don't we all?” Levi exhaled through his nose heavily and reached for his pocket, producing a small satchel, barely the size of a fist and made of cloth tied shut with a thin band of the same material. “Put a pinch of this into his food or drink every dinner. Remember: only a pinch. No more, no less.”  
  
Mikasa wore a sullen look, but took the pouch nonetheless. “Thank you, Captain.”  
  
Levi answered with a nod. “You should get some sleep too.”  
  
Mikasa reciprocated the nod, and with that, they parted ways.  
  
Levi went back to the Commander's quarters. He found Erwin still by his table, a quill in hand, burning the night fuel. He did not look up once when Levi entered after two knocks, his blue eyes shining a warm orange against the light of the lamp on his desk.  
  
Heading straight to the kitchenette, Levi went ahead and washed the cup, and placed it on a rack to let it dry till morning come. Then, he put the kettle on once more.  
  
“What would you have done,” Levi began, his attention at the pot over the fire. “If you were Eren?”  
  
The scribbling of pen against paper stopped for a moment, and then resumed once more. “Well,” The Commander's voice is a little gravelly from the lack of use, but he did not make an attempt to clear his throat. “I would very well think that I would not even live up to the point Eren has. I would be dead, from day one.”  
  
Levi expected something else to come out of Erwin's mouth. “Why is that?”  
  
“Because,” There is a shuffling of papers, and then, more scribbling. “No one would ever dare speak against the king's orders. I'll just be a trainee with a big mouth filled with desperate words. Or at least, that would be what the higher-ups would be hearing.” Erwin paused, and all movement with it. “No one will vouch for me. No one will gamble for me. I have no power over anyone, no friends in power, and definitely powerless against the will of the Royal Family. They would put me in trial but it would be biased. I even doubt they'd even bother to do that. After all, it's easier to kill a man when he's sleeping and in chains.”  
  
The kettle began to whistle by then, so Levi went and turned off the fire. He brought out the tin can of tea from the cupboard and started to brew a cup, strong and without any sweetener, just how he knew Erwin liked it.  
  
“With that question, I take it that the tea did not help him at all?”  
  
_No,_ Levi wanted to say, _it wasn't the tea – it was me. I failed._ “He seems set on pushing himself till he breaks.”  
  
Erwin hummed, short and affirmative. “He's certainly doing a great job at it.”  
  
Levi let out a scoff, and poured some into another mug from the shelf and carried it over to Erwin's work desk, placing it on his left side. “What would you do if he breaks before he finishes the job?”  
  
“It won't come to that,” Erwin finally looked at him upon being offered the steaming cup of tea. “I assure you.”  
  
Levi watched his Commander blow and sip at the hot liquid. “What if he did break anyway? What if he becomes incapable of shifting, or exhausts his body to the point of death?”  
  
Erwin licked his lips off of residual tea drops and placed the cup back down on his desk. “Well, there's always that serum in your possession.”  
  
Levi had long been used to his Commander's brutal honesty, but he could not help but show a bit of disdain. “You're merciless.”  
  
“Hmm,” Erwin smiled a wry smile. “I've been called worse.”  
  
“Just one day, Erwin.” Levi felt like he was bargaining with a rock, but even rocks rolled with the wind's insistence. “Let the kid have one day to rest.”  
  
Erwin stared at him, solemn and understanding. “Even if this is a personal request from you, Levi, I... I'm afraid I cannot make an exemption. After all, there are no kids or adults in the field. Only soldiers. Eren is no different. Just as you and I, we all have a part to play.”  
  
“He won't have a part to play if he's dead.”  
  
“As I said earlier,” The Commander turned back to his paperwork, eyes like ice. “It won't come to that.”  
  
Levi gave out a sigh, feeling sorry not just for Eren. “We do what we have to do, right?”  
  
“Just so.” Erwin replied simply, and a little sadly.

 


End file.
